I need to tell someone, tell anyone but you how I am feeling. I want to scream in joy, I want to cry in happiness, I want to jump and touch the stars.Floating back to Earth now, I would like to tell you that I am liking you more and more.
Spending three days with you meant more to me than I realized, especially when it came time for us to part. I didn’t want to say melancholy words, which was why I walked away first. You said you would like for me to tell you everything, that it would be my prerogative, but if I did that, would you let me in as well? You cannot expect me to tell you things if you do not ask questions.
I would like to trust you, have you get to know me, but that would mean that I would have to let my guard down and take a chance. It would mean without a doubt, that you could hurt me, even if you say you don’t have intentions, it’s still a possibility. If I let you dig your shovel into my soul, would you let me do the same? Would you give me the opportunity to get to know you too? I don’t want to give and get nothing in return.
I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I don’t want to be led on and thrown away when I am no longer seen as a convenience to you. I know you do not think like that, but I cannot help think of the negative aspect of everything, when pain is all I have ever known. Show me I can feel something different for a change.
I would love to tell you my secrets, love to tell you my flaws and for you to discover how I tick. I would love for you to be there as you were when I was the most scared I have ever been in my life. It was your confidence in the situation that got me through that difficult time. You were the one that stayed by my side. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you, realizing I chose the wrong person, seeing us together and wanting to change the outcome of the situation, but having no power to do so.
I am sorry for hurting you. If it is any consolation, I saw you first. You made me laugh and spoke to me first over him. I can still picture you next to me in the car laughing, sharing a drink and then after, lying at the edge of the creek, stretched out in your black clothes, arms behind your head catching the sunlight. I smiled over at you, but your eyes were closed.
It’s been six months and so far you have not let me down.
You even drove five hours to come and see me in the snow to escort me to a formal dance. You stayed by my side for three days and two nights. You are the second boy I have allowed myself to sleep next to and I have never felt safer, free to be myself. I even let you put your hands around my throat, put your hands on my chest and squeeze life back into me. You have no idea the impact you made on me when we first met.
I still have yet to decide how far to let you in, but you must know, if you don’t already, that I care and I have cared for a long time. Allow me to get to know you. I will understand if, once you get to know me you conclude that I am not what you are looking for. All I ask is that no matter what happens we can still be friends.

Wouldn’t it be kind of romantic if we found ourselves in each other?
*knock on wood* what's meant to be, will be...one way or another I believe.
I finally understand this quote,
"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to."

"There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?"
-Oasis: Wonderwall

"I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
I'm gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me"
Song: Get Gone by Fiona Apple




I dont understand how people can throw around the word love, say they've never felt anything like it before and just pretend to be sincere. The guy I was seeing for 3 months, take note of past tense, kept flirting and complimenting other girls, of course I didn't find out about this until we started to fight and he didn't deny it when I asked him about it. To me, when you're with someone, neglect to focus on them, and still "look for something better" or flirt to tempt yourself, that's still considered cheating through my eyes. I dont understand how that's fair, or even logical. I felt because he wasn't being fair to me, constantly letting me down and such, I had to be fair to myself, so I basically said that if things didn't change, I'd have to say goodbye. He didn't even attempt to talk, just used my words against me and said 'Do yourself a favor and 'be fair' to yourself. I am not going to change. goodbye' He blamed me for not trusting him, making me feel guilty and yet he was the one going behind my back. He wasn't showing me he cared and being a poet, I need emotion, need reassurance that I'm wanted. I don't believe in changing anyone, unless they are willing to change and if that change is for the better. Unfortunately he just ignored our problems, thinking everything was fine and he was doing nothing wrong. He said we'd always be friends no matter what, except he refuses to talk to me. I dont understand how a guy tries so hard to be with someone, then once they have who they want, they stop trying assuming everything will just fall neatly into place. I dont get how guys feel its necessary to lead a girl on, then let them go as if they never mattered at all, as if they never made them happy and never cared about them in the first place...

"a person isn't who they are in their last conversation with you. they're who they've been through out their whole relationship with you."- Smallville

...& all you kept saying was, "im sorry, i'm sorry" as the clock kept track of my tears & all I kept thinking was, "you dont love me, you dont love me" as you said, "I have to go now" & left me...

[note: the mood icon is stuck.again.]

I just got a message on DA saying that my deviation (Red.) will be featured on DLD (Daily Lit Deviations) here [link]

I'm so excited & I want to say thank you for that opportunity!

It seems things are starting to look up!
I couldn't be any happier!

oh & I got 6-8 inches cut off from my hair the other night! it feels very weird having short hair. it used to be pass my waist, now its at my shoulders. I'm getting used to it though

one more thing, I'm almost done reading the book 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde & so far, it's excellent!


p.s. I met a boy at my college transfer orientation the other day he seemed pretty chill so *fingers crossed*


p.s.s. This makes me happy in my pants & I cannot wait!!
Tim Burton is directing Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Anne Hathaway opening March 5th 2010!!

[link]

I just want to pull out my hair and scream bloody murder, but I think I just might exercise my ass off during the next few hours and use the malibu pilates machine in a feeble attempt of trying to be good enough.

This was inevitable, it was. From the start I knew that you were bound to hurt me. You said from the beginning that you didn’t trust yourself, so in turn, I shouldn’t trust you. I felt a sliver of hope somewhere and thought that if you wanted me enough, you would’ve tried.

In your apology, or rather in your defense, you said I was an amazing girl and that you liked talking to me, but that you’d understand if I stopped talking with you and never hooked up with you again. I said I’d try, meaning keeping in touch, but in my head, I knew I couldn’t see myself being with you as before. You said that you felt that I needed to know. You said you felt like an asshole. I said you never were one before, until now. You said, "This is why I didn't want to lead you too far on..." I asked if you thought of me while you were with her (because I’m the type that needs to know, although most of the time I wish I wasn't so curious and outspoken) It took you four attemps, trying to avoid giving me a honest answer until you finally were reluctant to say no, you didn't think of me. Hopefully she was worth it because apparently I was amazing, but not amazing enough to make you be with me. to make you stay. With me. only me. Was that really asking too much, to be faithful to just me? How foolish could I have been to think that you were courageous? Courageous to want something and fight to have it.

Three hours. That was all that was between us. Three hours and a state line. You said that had we lived closer it wouldn’t have happened. For you, having a relationship means seeing that person everyday, being able to touch them, having that physical contact. I understand those needs, and I wanted it too, but for me three hours is not long distance. Not even close to what so many couples face.

And I refused to be with other people as I was seeing you. You kept telling me that I could see other people, but now I realize that you were saying that phrase more to yourself than to me. I believe in loyalty and not two faced lies. If you are with someone you remain faithful to that person, was that really a burden to carry for you?

I knew before you knew, that every connection has the potential to cause some kinda of change and that meeting you would end in some form of pain, and that I was the stronger one. I say that not as an insult to you, but because I would’ve fought to be with you. I would’ve tried. (You even said that you can't stand people who dont try. Where is your attempt at trying?) but I knew you were the type that didn’t want to be held down. I would not have been controlling because I dont believe in another human being controlling another. (I would've let you done what you wanted, done anything but what you did).

Just after the second day of knowing you (yes, that short amount of time) and liking you more than I thought, I built thicker walls around every possible inch of my core, anticipating this very moment because I had a gut feeling it was going to occur. Of course, I didn't think it was going to happen this soon and I have been disappointed many times before and somehow I thought you were going to be different. I don't know why I thought that.

Through your eyes, I'm going to take stab and think that you maybe you must have seen the possibility of ‘me and you’ as an obstacle and you gave up before taking a step. Or maybe you were getting too attached than what you were leading on. It was inevitable of course and I forgive you. You are, after all, only human and you fell for the greatest reaction of all: temptation.